Wednesday, January 19, 2011

How to Take a Bullet

Here’s another great bit of advice from the Worst Case Scenario Daily Calendar!

  1. Face the shooter. You do NOT want to take it in the back or the base of the skull.
  2. Get low. Sit. Give him a tiny target. Cover your face and head with your arms and hands.
  3. Control the bleeding.

I think the worst case scenario is really multiple bullets entering your body, but I’ll give the authors of this cheery daily dose of inspiration a bit of slack.

Stay safe.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Tongue Stuck to Frozen Pole?

Here’s another nugget from the Worst Case Scenario Daily Calendar:

Did you decide, on probably a double-dog dare, to try and lick a metal pole in winter? Did your “friends” decide to leave you to deal with this yourself? Well, no problem, my daily worst case scenario calendar has instructions:

  1. Do not immediately yank the tongue off the pole – this is going to hurt a bunch.
  2. Move as close to the pole as possible without letting more of your tongue touch the pole.
  3. Place your gloved (you ARE wearing gloves – right?) as close as possible to your tongue for at least several minutes. You’re trying to warm up the pole surrounding your tongue as much as possible.
  4. Taking test pulls occasionally until things feel right, SLOWLY pull your tongue from the pole. You’re going to lose some skin, it’s going to hurt, but the tongue quickly heals.

Hopefully you’re not dumb enough to get into this situation. But just in case you have a weak moment, or too much alcoholic beverage, this may prove helpful.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Great Christmas Present

The Voice of Doom and Gloom received the perfect Christmas present: The Worst Case Scenario Daily Survival Calendar. Here’s a recent really bad thing that could happen: you encounter a mountain lion. What should you do?

  • Make yourself larger by opening your coat and holding it out by your arms (assuming you’re wearing a coat).
  • Throw stones; act aggressively. You must convince the lion that you are not easy prey.
  • If attacked, fight. Do not curl up and play dead.

Great stuff.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Saying “Merry Christmas” is Against the Law?

I read this in the Batavia Republican this week. A 77 year old ex-Marine was quoted as saying:

“How many people can you walk up to in the mall and say ‘Merry Christmas’? It’s almost against the law.”

I hear other people say this too. I don’t get it though. I said “Merry Christmas” to scores of people this season – people at the library where I work, people at stores where I bought stuff, my clients, people I met at restaurants, on the street – lots of places. Not ONE gave me a funny look, grimace or any adverse reaction whatsoever.

And, if there were a law against saying “Merry Christmas” I am 100% certain the ACLU would take that up. It’s obviously a violation of our first amendment rights. Sure, there are rulings against government entities promoting Christmas with taxpayer money, but not individuals or business entities. And the same folks that get all riled when government is prevented from emphasizing Christmas will surely be first in line to howl if the government spends a single penny on a Ramadan display!

People like this gentleman need to turn off cable news and get out and interact with people. Stop getting all your ideas from the talking heads and your life will be vastly improved.

Technorati Tags: